We are born our true selves, the unique, precious person we are meant to be. As infants and young children we do not know this. We need others, specifically our parents, to reflect to us our beauty and goodness. We need them to love and affirm us in a way that, over time, we begin to absorb the message and it becomes our permanent experience, “Yes, I am valued, unconditionally regarded in my uniqueness.”

Even though we might not be consciously aware of it, we are all wounded. Figuratively speaking, we carry a wounded child within us in the form of an emotional memory of how we experienced life in our childhood. This memory is recalled and the accompanying emotions felt when we, in the present, experience others relating to us in ways that remotely resemble our experience in our first relationships, that is, with our primary caregivers.

We all know the depressing statistics of marriage – Roughly half the marriages world wide will end in divorce, and at least half of those couples that remain together describe themselves as not particularly happy or possibly even unhappy. The problem is love, or the lack there of. All too often we hear the statement: “I have fallen out of love” or, “the spark has died”. Considering this gloomy reality about marriage, one naturally asks the question: Is there hope for long lasting love in contemporary marriage? I believe there is, but it is our increased consciousness of ourselves and our commitment to the growth of ourselves and the concomitant growth in our marriage.

Co-dependence is best defined as the human condition of lost selfhood, where our lived experience is one of focusing outside of ourselves for our identity because our true self has gone into hiding. In our co-dependent patterns of being, we are dependent on something or someone outside of ourselves to validate our sense of self. It could be a significant other (a spouse, our children, a parent) or a particular activity, habit, compulsion or addiction. Our daily experience is one of being overly attached to something or someone for our well-being.

Marriage is a conundrum. We come towards it with so much hope and expectation, but conduct ourselves in it in a way that often makes our desires and yearnings impossible to realise.

It is as though we enter into marriage with some magical thinking, denying the evidence and reality that is around us. We magically think that our marriage is going to be the exception, break all the rules, facts and statistics and, where others have failed and become disillusioned, I’m going to experience the love that I so yearn for.

Christmas is characteristically a season in which families get together. We travel to distant places to be with family, or excitedly prepare for family coming to visit us. It seems as though inside us there is a strong pull toward family, a deep yearning for a connection to family and all that family might symbolise. This inner desire is mainly motivated by the need for an identity; the need to belong; a desire to be part of a bigger fleet rather than being a lone boat bobbing around on the big ocean. In being part of the extended family, we hope for support and care, both physical and emotional, particularly during the difficult and trying times in our lives.

Sally entered therapy, describing clear symptoms of depression – feelings of hopelessness, exhaustion and general unhappiness. She also alluded to an increased irritability with her family, feelings that triggered emotions of guilt and shame for her. She and her husband Paul have been married for 12 years and they have two young children.

Few people would need to be convinced of the key role that marriage plays in the general well being of our society. Through the knowledge emanating from contemporary developmental psychology, we are increasingly aware of the impact that family life has on the formation and development of our children. For the most part, the origins of the family, is a marital relationship, the coming together of two people vowing to love one another. As their love for each other grows, it impacts on the overall quality of love in the whole family – parents for their children; children for each other. Through our loving marital relationship, we create an ever-growing culture of love in the family.